Government Cheese and The Civil War

By Matthew Bright

We're in a pickle. The pickle we're in leaves us in a state of having to address most of the words coming out of Government Cheese's mouth. (Look I'm not calling him Cheeto or Dorito anymore, I'm tired of insulting snacks that are delicious. They're better than that.)

Government Cheese

Recently claiming Andrew Jackson could of stopped The Civil War from happening. Why'd The Civil War even happen in the first place he asks. 

There's so many things in this, but ultimately let's hit on the most glaring. 

Andrew Jackson could of stopped the Civil War? As if the country didn't need it? Government Cheese are you saying the very freedom fought for, didn't need to be fought for? That the millions enslaved and slaughtered shouldn't have caused such a fuss about being treated like less than farm animals. Why fight for your freedom? There's two things here:

1. Government Cheese has no clue what slavery is.
2. Government Cheese knows exactly what it is.

That's the reason it happened guy, SLAVERY. If Andrew Jackson were even alive his body of work would lead to a Trail of Tears. He was a slave-owning genocidal maniac who voted his friends and political allies into government and abused their power. He only happens to be missing one distinction to be Andrew Jackson 2.0, he currently stands at Andrew Jackson 1.5. 

Government Cheese is saying these things in less than a year on the job. He's spelling this out in his Alpha-Bit Cereal but he's not using any colored marshmallow pieces so it just says "Brng Bck Slvry" also because he can't spell. 

Andrew Jackson most likely would have aligned with the Confederacy, which would make him something President Cheez-Wiz (That works to, Cheez-Wiz is the worst. #FightMe) hates more than The White House Correspondents Dinner is losers. 

This will be normal compared to what is in the future of Government Cheese. 

Future questions will be:

"Why'd we even have a voting rights act?"

"Why did women suffrage even happen? For what?" 

"Why'd the Civil War even happen?" (He loves to repeat himself)

He's trying to Brand Andrew Jackson like he's the most interesting man in the world. 

Andy be like: "I don't always own slaves but when I do, I prefer plantations."

It's best he wasn't around and that he's dead. 

Maybe I should spell this out in a way Government Cheese will understand.

"STP BNG RCST." 

The Civil War happened because people who think like you, want to stop people who look like me from being, people.