The Legion of Snowflakes

by Matt Bright

“Terrible” Tomi, “Mad” Milo, “Billy Bad-Ass” O’Reilly, and “Apocalypse Now” Alex are just like the Suicide Squad, adored by the millions in their fan base, but objective critics know: “This thing is not worth watching.” These talking heads have been severed at the neck by their respective news outlets.

Milo Yiannopoulos, by his own distinction, “The most fabulous supervillain on the internet” was brought down like most supervillains when they are drunk on their own power right after they monologue how they’ll take over the world. At the peak of his powers he was leading the charge on “Free speech.” Wielding the mystic, but totally racist, power of the Alt Right and the hordes of henchmen at Breitbart Milo was going from campus to campus using his strongest ability, cognitive dissonance, to win over the Bryce’s, Aidan’s, and Trenton’s looking for direction. Even faithful followers have their limits, so when it was discovered that Milo’s rise to power started with him suggesting he’s alright with Pedophilia. His Minions became The Society of Homer Simpson GIF’s within days, and “Mad” Milo was defeated.

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Tomi Lahren didn’t go down like the rest, in a moment of realization she understands that it’s no fun watching the world a Blaze if she’s also on fire. Tomi stands with the enemy on The View, I mean A view, for let’s say forty-five seconds, and the real life version of Mean Girl Regina George is suspended by her overlords indefinitely. Like Harley Quinn, Tomi doesn’t realize this type of relationship isn’t good for her psyche, and doesn’t understand how her toxic love of supporting state violence, bigotry, & sexism is only rewarded with a slap to the face for questioning her misogynistic, psychopathic, Glenn Beck-Like BF’s. Even after being caged by her very own, she still awaits the day they will come and release her.

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Alex Jones is another consumed by his madness that the world needed to be cleansed of our alien overlords and give the planet back to its rightful owners. Unlike his evil counterparts, he was the Gru of the team, who loved the feeling of villainy, but in the end loved his family more (Awww). In a custody battle he shed his evil exterior and reputation. Alex was ready to walk away from the conspiracies such as how Hillary was a murderer, and The Newtown shooting was a false flag operation filled with crisis agents to engineer us to give up our freedom to accidentally kill more people with guns than anywhere in the developed world. Alex in a similar moment of realization chose his children over evil. Even though his platform isn’t destroyed, his operation is exposed. Don’t think the Mastermind of Manipulating Masses into the next big Bowling Green Massacre is finished, for now he’s focusing on being the best father a court ruling will let him be.

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Then there was Bill, the creator of the Legion of Snowflakes. Bill O’Reilly’s legacy is much longer, more refined; The Tyrannical Talking Head’s strongest skill was the ability to elude any factual evidence to the point of literally phasing through data then reconstituting himself into a climate-denying, racially charged, manically misogynistic, and dastardly demagogue leader of the Legion. Bill O’Reilly put his sexist sized cigar out on lawsuits alleging sexual harassment and verbal abuse like a true mob captain, but when you cost the family money, you quickly fall out of grace from your Maniac God-Father, Fox News, after costing them $13 million dollars in settlements. His removal causes a true domino effect and a scramble by the Legion’s elders to find a new face of their timeless message of boot-straps and reverse “ism’s.”

Billy Bad-Ass said what he wanted, did what he wanted at the peak of his powers, but his lust for being a throwback to Mad Men crumbled this once powerful foe.
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Is this the end of our ferocious fiends of media or is it only a minor victory in the battle for American Society’s sanity? Only time will tell. Until then, all I can is this:

IT’S. ABOUT. DAMN. TIME!

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