Aaron Nealson, a blue life

By Matthew Bright

Aaron Nealson, a blue life, was born March 3rd, 1991 to the parents of Ford Glimmerman and Shelby Betty in Falcon Heights, Minnesota. 

Aaron was born among his family of blue lives that understood what he would go through and they tried to prepare him for the world. 

Elementary school began a tumultuous journey through blue life. He had become accustomed to the taunts of "pig" and "oink oink" til the fifth grade.

When Aaron reached high school he knew it'd be hard making the team in a non-blue life high school in Falcon Heights. Only one blue life in its history has made the team. As a Blue life, he dealt with multiple struggles from starting a bank account to 

Purchasing a home or even getting a car. He didn't want to live a stereotypical blue life experience so he applied to Harvard, skipping The Academy.

He spent most of his time studying on becoming a lawyer but was met with constant criticism and prejudice. Saying one student once said: "Get a badge loser!" Also another replied with: "Blue lives, always playing the victim."

Aaron said when he was a kid he reminded lots of students and teachers that his blueness mattered. That it was what he came from and what made him. 

Aaron said quote: "People sometimes are like Demons and just don't know how dangerous they look to blue lives." 

We spoke with Rebecca who called Aaron a friend, and a sympathizer to Blue life.

She said: "We agreed on a lot of things but it was just different. We went to a party once and he just kept trying to tell people how he was in constant danger. All I could think was you were born that way, no one blames you for it. Maybe he didn't have a father, or drug use was a factor. Rebecca added: " I asked him if all lives mattered."

He said: "My blue Life has to matter first." She admired that about him.

His parents pressured him as he got older. They knew life would be much harder for him as a blue life, everyone viewed him as dangerous so he found himself playing basketball more often and dancing a lot to make other lives more comfortable with his existence. 

Aaron to this day isn't sure if the Blue Life lawyer with Bachelors Degree will be treated like everyone else.

Only time will tell.

Trumps Takeaway: I love Wall

The Orange, The King, and The Weapons Deal
by Matthew Bright

Trump travelled across the world and landed in cognitive dissonance

He met with Saudi Arabian King to open an anti-extremist center.

In Saudi Arabia. That's right, people directly responsible for most of Americas past and current turmoil opened a center about anti-extremism. 

A center to combat extremist ideology. They have churches already. They have scientific journals about it. Only two megalomaniacs would think opening one building in a country suppressing women harder than republicans would do this. Or forty I don't know. 

Yet here we are, old dudes proclaiming to fight the idea of terror. Like kids playing in a backyard taking on the spaceships in the sky right before lunch. 

They put all their hands on that mind melding orb, or globe. Whatever, this is only phase one of Project Desert Cheeto. 

Saudi Press Agency

After that incredibly dark and ominous photo you know they waited for the return of The Dark One. He just stood around aimlessly like: You promised us we'd see him. I came all the way from D.C. I literally dragged  Melania here, it was great. She was in the 24k bathroom, the best bathroom, hiding behind Ivanka who looked great. You told me to just touch this light bulb and he'd show. Just believe a little harder next time Donny. 

He also went to Israel to become the first sitting President to visit the Western Wall. To anyone that's not watching the 700 club 24/7 that headline reads: First sitting President to admire Wall. He loves wall. Great, America Elected the Orange version of Brick Tamblin. 

Government Cheese ( It's what I call #45) didn't just come to resurrect the Bringer of Death, he came with a tank full of cash to give to the Saudi Arabian King for...tanks. 110 billion dollars for arms on the same day you open a center against extremism. 

If you missed the irony, well the air in the land of cognitive dissonance is pretty thick.

Get out while you still can.

The Legion of Snowflakes

by Matt Bright

“Terrible” Tomi, “Mad” Milo, “Billy Bad-Ass” O’Reilly, and “Apocalypse Now” Alex are just like the Suicide Squad, adored by the millions in their fan base, but objective critics know: “This thing is not worth watching.” These talking heads have been severed at the neck by their respective news outlets.

Milo Yiannopoulos, by his own distinction, “The most fabulous supervillain on the internet” was brought down like most supervillains when they are drunk on their own power right after they monologue how they’ll take over the world. At the peak of his powers he was leading the charge on “Free speech.” Wielding the mystic, but totally racist, power of the Alt Right and the hordes of henchmen at Breitbart Milo was going from campus to campus using his strongest ability, cognitive dissonance, to win over the Bryce’s, Aidan’s, and Trenton’s looking for direction. Even faithful followers have their limits, so when it was discovered that Milo’s rise to power started with him suggesting he’s alright with Pedophilia. His Minions became The Society of Homer Simpson GIF’s within days, and “Mad” Milo was defeated.

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Tomi Lahren didn’t go down like the rest, in a moment of realization she understands that it’s no fun watching the world a Blaze if she’s also on fire. Tomi stands with the enemy on The View, I mean A view, for let’s say forty-five seconds, and the real life version of Mean Girl Regina George is suspended by her overlords indefinitely. Like Harley Quinn, Tomi doesn’t realize this type of relationship isn’t good for her psyche, and doesn’t understand how her toxic love of supporting state violence, bigotry, & sexism is only rewarded with a slap to the face for questioning her misogynistic, psychopathic, Glenn Beck-Like BF’s. Even after being caged by her very own, she still awaits the day they will come and release her.

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Alex Jones is another consumed by his madness that the world needed to be cleansed of our alien overlords and give the planet back to its rightful owners. Unlike his evil counterparts, he was the Gru of the team, who loved the feeling of villainy, but in the end loved his family more (Awww). In a custody battle he shed his evil exterior and reputation. Alex was ready to walk away from the conspiracies such as how Hillary was a murderer, and The Newtown shooting was a false flag operation filled with crisis agents to engineer us to give up our freedom to accidentally kill more people with guns than anywhere in the developed world. Alex in a similar moment of realization chose his children over evil. Even though his platform isn’t destroyed, his operation is exposed. Don’t think the Mastermind of Manipulating Masses into the next big Bowling Green Massacre is finished, for now he’s focusing on being the best father a court ruling will let him be.

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Then there was Bill, the creator of the Legion of Snowflakes. Bill O’Reilly’s legacy is much longer, more refined; The Tyrannical Talking Head’s strongest skill was the ability to elude any factual evidence to the point of literally phasing through data then reconstituting himself into a climate-denying, racially charged, manically misogynistic, and dastardly demagogue leader of the Legion. Bill O’Reilly put his sexist sized cigar out on lawsuits alleging sexual harassment and verbal abuse like a true mob captain, but when you cost the family money, you quickly fall out of grace from your Maniac God-Father, Fox News, after costing them $13 million dollars in settlements. His removal causes a true domino effect and a scramble by the Legion’s elders to find a new face of their timeless message of boot-straps and reverse “ism’s.”

Billy Bad-Ass said what he wanted, did what he wanted at the peak of his powers, but his lust for being a throwback to Mad Men crumbled this once powerful foe.
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Is this the end of our ferocious fiends of media or is it only a minor victory in the battle for American Society’s sanity? Only time will tell. Until then, all I can is this:

IT’S. ABOUT. DAMN. TIME!

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